You get home, needing to unload. You just want to vent. Your significant other missed the non-verbals and tried to fix it, whatever "it" is. Perhaps that well-intentioned individual offered solutions before you finished, um, releasing venom? Has that ever, in the history of the world, helped at all? In all likelihood, once the adrenalin was spent, the household recovered nicely, and all was well. However, wouldn't that interaction have been more productive--and your blood pressure better controlled--if you had been able to speak or stay silent, simmering down in a quiet environment?
In Vella's instruction she doesn't tackle arguments in the home, obviously, but she does make some excellent points about the way to listen effectively. Here's the short version: Shush.
Before we get into an expanded definition of that word, you might want to view a short video that beautifully illustrates a failure to listen -- from the child's perspective, of course.
In Vella's instruction she doesn't tackle arguments in the home, obviously, but she does make some excellent points about the way to listen effectively. Here's the short version: Shush.
Before we get into an expanded definition of that word, you might want to view a short video that beautifully illustrates a failure to listen -- from the child's perspective, of course.
While Mateo did not necessarily have a legitimate beef (what kid does have the same rules at home that are enjoyed at grandma's?), he certainly didn't feel like his concerns were being met with serious consideration. That scenario is not subject for serious debate, but it raises some issues. That's where Shush comes in. Here are three important directives:
Avoid interrupting. How often have you been having a conversation, or trying to, when you were stopped mid-sentence with an answer to a question you didn't ask? With a response that was, in fact, a non-sequitur to your complete thought? What does this tell you? Likely, it says, "What I have to say is more important than what you were thinking." Would this foster learning? A safe environment? Open conversation? When your learner is trying to communicate, it is disrespectful to insert your comments prematurely.
In my organization, we are expected to treat each other with dignity and respect. To that end, Vella notes, "Listening without interrupting is a simple structure for ensuring respect" (p. 92). How hard can that be? Harder for some than others, but it is worth the effort.
Be still. I've heard over the years that our non-verbal communication is 93% of the total. Even if you don't speak, your body may be doing the talking. Chill, babe. If you look like American Pharoah in the starting gate, your learner may suspect you aren't engaging in active listening. Someone might even think you are simply waiting for your turn to talk, and you aren't listening at all. Perish the thought.
Another facet of being still is that sometimes people just need time to process. Sometimes it's easier to think without the chatter. Sometimes, the ideas in their heads just need a little space to draw their own conclusions before the learners are ready and willing to share and ask for feedback.
Just be there. My paternal grandmother was better at this than anyone I have ever known. She didn't talk much, but she didn't need to. It was enough that she was there if I needed her. Keats called this negative capability, and believed that it represented "supreme empathy."* That is, I suppose, another way to say that someone's perception is his reality. You cannot necessarily explain the thoughts of another in a way that seems rational to you. Sometimes you can only listen and try to understand. Comment when you are asked to do so.
Avoid interrupting. How often have you been having a conversation, or trying to, when you were stopped mid-sentence with an answer to a question you didn't ask? With a response that was, in fact, a non-sequitur to your complete thought? What does this tell you? Likely, it says, "What I have to say is more important than what you were thinking." Would this foster learning? A safe environment? Open conversation? When your learner is trying to communicate, it is disrespectful to insert your comments prematurely.
In my organization, we are expected to treat each other with dignity and respect. To that end, Vella notes, "Listening without interrupting is a simple structure for ensuring respect" (p. 92). How hard can that be? Harder for some than others, but it is worth the effort.
Be still. I've heard over the years that our non-verbal communication is 93% of the total. Even if you don't speak, your body may be doing the talking. Chill, babe. If you look like American Pharoah in the starting gate, your learner may suspect you aren't engaging in active listening. Someone might even think you are simply waiting for your turn to talk, and you aren't listening at all. Perish the thought.
Another facet of being still is that sometimes people just need time to process. Sometimes it's easier to think without the chatter. Sometimes, the ideas in their heads just need a little space to draw their own conclusions before the learners are ready and willing to share and ask for feedback.
Just be there. My paternal grandmother was better at this than anyone I have ever known. She didn't talk much, but she didn't need to. It was enough that she was there if I needed her. Keats called this negative capability, and believed that it represented "supreme empathy."* That is, I suppose, another way to say that someone's perception is his reality. You cannot necessarily explain the thoughts of another in a way that seems rational to you. Sometimes you can only listen and try to understand. Comment when you are asked to do so.
Vella tells us that a desirable quality of learning cannot be achieved without, " ...the ability not to intrude but to wait, be patient, and be on call..." (p. 93). She also refers this attitude as being a back seat driver, which I am not at all sure conjures up a silent image, but that was her intent. Educators are to be resources; this does not mean we are always talking.
Sometimes to be more effective, you just need to be still. And. Shut. It.
Sometimes to be more effective, you just need to be still. And. Shut. It.